At the end of my dreams I often experience intricate, geometric, kaleidoscope-like animations. Brain cancer or glitches in my nightly sim-download? (I gave-up on the Rube Goldberg device - it got too messy).
Honestly, I am too exhausted to dig. I am going to have to go out, find a deep hole, fling myself in and hope for the worst.
One time I was on the wrong side of the fourth wall, for Our Town, I had to learn to cry on stage. Watching the debate made clear how numb we are becoming to everything. Our motivation for tears is running dry.
I am exhausted by news and history. So, today I watched my cat play with a dead wasp. Made me realize. This is me on so many levels for all things "life". Just to clarify. I am the mouse.
The end of a VERY bad week, at the end of a bad month - and do I even need to say it? Unfortunately, since time still appears to be linear - I do not have much hope for 2021 either. Anywho. Go Buckeyes!
My cat Madeleine, named after the first feature film zombie, is a Calico that was found in the woods as a few days old kitten. Her colors and markings make it look like she escaped from the grave.
My semi-retirement plan is to travel as a writer and photographer to document the stories that make us - us. History has a tendency to remember the bad. But every life covers an unwritten novel.
My first dog, Bathsheba, was a rescue Pekingese that had been blinded by someone that threw lye in her eyes. She enjoyed a long, happy life. But she definitely looked more like E.T. in a wig - than a dog.
Is poor Ed's torment at the paws of the whimsically evil cat over? Perhaps his mouse friends can also find a few tiny shreds of his dignity left lying around to shove back in the grave with him.
Usually. My last thought before falling asleep. And my first thought upon waking up. Is this? All there is? Well. At least not THIS morning. This morning. It was? Why am I so tired? Why is it still dark? Damn. DST.
How much longer can Ed serve as a source of amusement for the cat ... before he completely disintegrates? Inquisitive minds would like to know.
Sometimes I find peace in dreams. If I lie in bed long enough for sleep to catch me. Then the dead speak. And they say? Who we are. What we make. Someday will be found. By scavengers. Looking for something else.
I am feeling the stress of a Universe pushing me to the edge of what I can endure. And I am not doing well. I would pay any price - to find myself in a reality where I was not simply an object of amusement.
Forget the vast distances involved. Or the velocities required to conquer them. There is only one species in the Universe interested in observing our primordial follies. Or experimenting on us.
Seems as good of a wish as any for today. Provided I can find that many candles.
I over analyze. Over imagine. Over think. I drove my Literature professors insane. This is their revenge from beyond the grave. For the Universe. Now wishes me dead. Is it "Don't touch the sides" - for an Edtopsy?
Existence? What is. What is not. All of everything ... is our limited, ignorant interpretation of what we can "see" on the surface of an inanimate cosmological bubble. That does not care if. We are. Or are not.
A field of questions. Planted seeds. In their beds. Sleeping. Row. Upon row upon row. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Yet. A drought of silence. The harvest? Never came. A crop of answers. Plowed under.
I thought I had completed this phase of development back in my 20s. But. Apparently. You can regress. Maybe we can develop a cure. Or vaccine. Because. Life is so much easier without the burden of "living".
My struggle? Wanting to believe. But questioning the silence. So. I fill that doubt with faith. And trust there is a reason. With sunrise - I hope. With sunset - I love. Another day, another dream - begets another.